I received the most priceless email from a friend this morning. She was passing along an introductory email a suitor on match.com sent to one of her coworkers Tuesday. Gentlemen, if your goal is to make people laugh do the following. If your goal is to score a date: don’t. Never:
Open with: You represent the effervescence of the elegance which emerges from the simplicity and reflect wisdom and character that can only come from rich diversity of your personal experiences.
Quote Voltaire. And Sting. In the same email.
Mention destiny. In French first, then English.
Say: “I wonder why I am still single.”
Describe you professional and academic career as being on “steroids.”
Highlight your ability to give exceptional foot massages as a way to makeup after minor fights.
Brag: “I was summarily thrown out of Cambridge University (too stuffy for me), finished my Doctorate by the time I was 22 and possess remnants of British accent. I left UK as I realized Brits lack sense of fashion and their food is still awful … In retrospect, I can serve a great meal in 20 minutes, clean and organize the kitchen, take the dog for a walk (if you have one) and still make the 10 o’clock news with 90 seconds to spare.
Lie: “I delivered a child in the middle of the Amazonian rain forest to a couple from Australia. I taught some rebels in Ghana (who captured me during a motorbike ride across the country) to kill their time playing cricket while they were not killing the members of the communist opposition. They set me free unconditionally and promised me a suitable bride (without any dowry exchange) if I ever wanted to get married. I declined that offer graciously.”
Admit you have no common sense: “I was chased by a wild rhino in Botswana. I had no idea that such a heavy set creature with tiny legs can run so fast and that rhinos do not like anyone interfering with their off springs.”
Profess needing to win at all cost, and having “a ‘beautiful mind’ with a wicked slant.”
Mention aliens. Ever. “Why haven’t we heard from intelligent life forms from some far off planetary system? In my view perhaps they are not as intelligent so the quest of SETI must go on.”
Badger your potential date: “If you decide not to respond, may I remind that it would be at a great personal loss to you.”
Not provide a photo. Especially to prevent “professional suicide” because you work as investment adviser to a Private Equity fund which is backed by Middle Eastern investors.
It would be such as shame to ever learn that this man is a fake. I genuinely hope he finds someone as odd as he who will treasure him always.