Pro Tip: What not to do 07/08/2010

I received the most priceless email from a friend this morning. She was passing along an introductory email a suitor on match.com sent to one of her coworkers Tuesday. Gentlemen, if your goal is to make people laugh do the following. If your goal is to score a date: don’t. Never:

Open with: You represent the effervescence of the elegance which emerges from the simplicity and reflect wisdom and character that can only come from rich diversity of your personal experiences.

Quote Voltaire. And Sting. In the same email.

Mention destiny. In French first, then English.

Say: “I wonder why I am still single.”

Describe you professional and academic career as being on “steroids.”

Highlight your ability to give exceptional foot massages as a way to makeup after minor fights.

Brag: “I was summarily thrown out of Cambridge University (too stuffy for me), finished my Doctorate by the time I was 22 and possess remnants of British accent. I left UK as I realized Brits lack sense of fashion and their food is still awful … In retrospect, I can serve a great meal in 20 minutes, clean and organize the kitchen, take the dog for a walk (if you have one) and still make the 10 o’clock news with 90 seconds to spare.

Lie: “I delivered a child in the middle of the Amazonian rain forest to a couple from Australia. I taught some rebels in Ghana (who captured me during a motorbike ride across the country) to kill their time playing cricket while they were not killing the members of the communist opposition. They set me free unconditionally and promised me a suitable bride (without any dowry exchange) if I ever wanted to get married. I declined that offer graciously.”

Admit you have no common sense: “I was chased by a wild rhino in Botswana. I had no idea that such a heavy set creature with tiny legs can run so fast and that rhinos do not like anyone interfering with their off springs.”

Profess needing to win at all cost, and having “a ‘beautiful mind’ with a wicked slant.”

Mention aliens. Ever. “Why haven’t we heard from intelligent life forms from some far off planetary system? In my view perhaps they are not as intelligent so the quest of SETI must go on.”

Badger your potential date: “If you decide not to respond, may I remind that it would be at a great personal loss to you.”

Not provide a photo. Especially to prevent “professional suicide” because you work as investment adviser to a Private Equity fund which is backed by Middle Eastern investors.

It would be such as shame to ever learn that this man is a fake. I genuinely hope he finds someone as odd as he who will treasure him always.

By kmm | Posted in Dating, Tips | Comments (0)

Pro Tip: Online dating is the same. But different. 06/24/2010

After years of tussling with the idea of online dating, a girl friend recently came to terms with the concept. She enlisted me to help write her profile, snap her picture, and upload everything she wants in another human being onto her hard drive and into the ether for all the world to see.

I was thrilled. Her profile was smart, funny, and representative of her. I know – because I wrote it. I envisioned a few flirtations. A few winks from creepers out of her age group. A handful of false starts over coffee. One or two, you-seem-nice-buts … and then boom: boyfriend! That was over a month ago. During our check in last week she confessed things weren’t going as well as she’d hoped.

HER: I wind up hitting delete a lot.

I thought maybe she was just being too critical, or expecting too much. But then I listened. In my mind, the online world was teeming with smart, attractive, interesting people who just haven’t met their other. Nice guys and girls who were just victims of bad timing. What I didn’t really consider was: it’s the same dating pool -just online – and stocked with the same disappointments, the same creepers, the same rejections.

And as she explained the winners who had contacted her of late I realized she was still fighting the same good fight – just online. The same dudes trolling the bars were scrolling profiles. The same crazies just had another touch point. The click of a button just made it easier to ignore them. However, I also realized how easy it was to dismiss a decent guy or gal over a bad photo or a typo. How easy they get lost amidst the winks from the hell-no’s and the are-you-kidding-mes. You just have to be patient. I told her so.

HER: K, the last guy who responded wore a superhero costume…

And sometimes you have to know when to just shut up.

By kmm | Posted in Conversations, Dating, Ramblings, Tips | Comments (0)

Status Update : kmm 06/18/2010

It isn’t every day that you get to sit at a table and have your past sitting across to your left, and your future sitting across to your right. That you get to watch them interact – exchanging music tips, debating politics, and trading laughs in the dark. That you watch your future buy your past a drink. It is an odd moment when you formally introduce them: this is who I adore now. And I’m glad you like him too. And when you find yourself standing between them – your future’s hand upon your neck, your past tapping your shoulder to tell you about his favorite song. Both have made you cry. But for different reasons entirely. The first because he was never everything you wanted him to be. Or likely, it was the other way around. The second, because he’s more than you hoped. And you never want him to be anywhere but at your table to your right.

By kmm | Posted in Dating, Ex Encounters, Status Update | Comments (0)

Pro Tip : Take What You Want 06/04/2010

One evening not too long ago, I was lamenting to my brother about how I didn’t know if a certain boy liked me. I was three minutes into the back story when he cut me off. You see, Matty is not one for sitting through other people’s stories. Especially when he can already figure out the ending. Especially when he is annoyed by the characters in the story.

HIM: Jesus Kristen! Are you new? Take what you want. Just go fucking take it. Just take it. Life is too short. It’s way too fucking short. So go get what you want and take it. I do. You’re human. You’re both fucking human. And scared. Stop wasting time and go take what you want. Take everything you want and we can laugh about it together in hell.

In the months that have passed, I am trying to live by Matty’s philosophy in every way possible. The other night I was riding home with my manfriend when we were stopped at an intersection. I looked at him, puckered up, and waited. He laughed and shook his head.

MF: Just kiss me if you want to.

I still have some work to do.

By kmm | Posted in Conversations, Dating, Ramblings, Tips | Comments (0)

Status Update : kmm 05/26/2010

There comes a point in a serious romantic relationship when you feel it is appropriate to say three little words. Aloud. And to the person you are dating. Not just about him in passing. Or in emails to your mom. To the mirror, or in G chats with your friends as you freak out about the bitch who keeps posting suggestive messages to his Facebook wall.

I have only said those words to two other people in my life. And I forget how it works. The first time a boy told me, I responded by slapping him across the face and huffing, “you don’t understand the concept.” In my defense, we were only two months into what would become a five year relationship and he hadn’t witnessed me flip out yet. Say it after watching me throw at least one temper tantrum and we really have something. The other person was my live in boyfriend, and more times than I care to admit, I found myself saying the words more as a question than a declaration.

Three years later, I find myself in a position where I am testing out the words, feeling the weight of them upon my tongue, rolling them around to see if they feel ready to making their big debut. So far, they remain resting along my cheeks, forcing me to just smile a lot, and say things like, “I love … your arms?” And, “I love … the way your face looks right now.”

It kind of reminds me of Monday night swim practices in college when I would stand on the deck, dip my toes in the water, complain about the temperature, and implement a variety of stall tactics that only dragged out the feelings of discomfort, until one of my teammates would get out of the pool and threaten to just push me in.

By kmm | Posted in Conversations, Dating, Status Update | Comments (6)

Pro Tip : Put it in Writing 05/13/2010

When is the last time you received a love letter? Handwritten. Heartfelt. And delivered to your door.

Thinking back, I can only recall two occasions. Once, in early college an ex-boyfriend brought me a note after we broke up. It was composed on white lined paper, likely during an Econ class, and torn unevenly from the pad. It was sweet. And I probably still have it. The second instance occurred in high school when a boy sent me a mixed tape and a note telling me to come to his college the next year. (Yes, I said a cassette tape. I’m that old. And no, I didn’t go there.)

I ask because writing love letters is important. I believe putting your words down on a page so that someone else can read them and re-read them is far more meaningful than saying them aloud. Because sound only travels so far. And your memory can only recall so much. Love letters are bold. They are scary to write and scary to open and they force you to respect the author no matter what your response is.

I received another such letter yesterday. At my office. From a boy I dated months ago briefly. It made me smile, appreciate his effort and courage, and then think: I wish it was from someone else. I wandered back to my desk wondering why it seems you have to breakup before someone realizes how much they want to hold your hand. Then I checked my email. One new message. From my new person.

“Just wanted to talk to you – but wrote you an email instead.”

I’ll take it.

By kmm | Posted in Ex Encounters, Tips | Comments (1)

Dating Etiquette : Common Decency 05/06/2010

We have a policy here at The Adorable Stalkers: You do not stalk married or taken men. Ever.

While it’s normal to occasionally develop feelings for someone who is unavailable, it’s flat out trashy and desperate to actually pursue them. And more so, to pursue them in the public forum – whether on a somewhat anonymous web site like this one, or a more open venue like Facebook. Our theory is, if they like you, they will eventually break up with their significant other, and after a polite grace period, contact you. In the meantime, you don’t need to advertise the goods. You don’t need to flaunt your interest. Because they already know how you feel. Trust me. And so do their girlfriends. And we don’t like it.

By kmm | Posted in Dating, General Stalking, Ramblings, Tips | Comments (0)

Pretty 05/03/2010

I am not really a feminist. I like boys who hold doors, can change a tire on my Subaru, know how to use a shovel, and who I absolutely can’t benchpress. I like boys who think I’m smart. And attractive. However, I am an equalist. I believe everyone deserves a fair shot in life – whether in the workplace, school admissions, or love. Everyone has a right to try to find their happy. Everyone at least deserves a shot at it.

I tell you this because I have a friend who has removed herself from the dating game for years. Despite encouragement from all her friends, she hasn’t put a toe in to test conditions. I had written her off. When she came into my office today I thought it was about a project for work. Instead, she asked me to take her picture. “It’s for online dating,” she whispered. “I decided I have nothing to lose. What if I never get any prettier?”

It didn’t matter that she already was. On top of being smart. And sweet. And wonderful. Just shy. And really scared.

During lunch I snapped a few pictures. And some more when she wasn’t looking. She told me about a boy who had emailed her. He sounded nice. Really nice. I showed her the picture. She said it was accurate. And then sent it off to her first love interest in years. As I biked home my phone rang. I pulled over. One new voicemail.

“He thinks I am pretty,” she said.

I knew he would. Still … I couldn’t stop smiling.

By kmm | Posted in Dating, Ramblings | Comments (1)

Pro Tip : Faking It 04/28/2010

A coworker I occasionally give dating advice to came into my office this morning and demanded to know why it has taken him so long to find a great girl. Before I could begin he interrupted. And since I just found her, why now? I’m leaving for graduate school soon! I shifted in my chair. Rocked lightly side to side. And then lifted my shoulders in response.

“Just enjoy every day you have with her,” I said. “You never know what will happen.”

He seemed disappointed in my response. And I won’t lie, I was too. Usually I feel like I give pretty solid advice. Usually I feel like I know what I am talking about. Or can at least fake it. But this time was different. This time, I kind of know exactly what he is talking about. And I don’t really want to know the answer either.

By kmm | Posted in Conversations, Dating, Tips | Comments (2)

New Target : DC boys 04/13/2010

They walk with purpose. Toting coffee cups and courier bags slung across crisp button down shirts. They are athletes shrouded in three piece suits. DC boys pass wearing that “I’m about to do something very important” look on their faces. So what if they’re just going to order a sandwich? You know that whatever comes out of their mouths will be decisive and manly: cheeseburger, medium rare, to go. (And no, they don’t ask if it’s organically farmed cheese beforehand.) They read the newspaper. They know where to locate the sports section. And they have an opinion on the nuclear summit. It might even differ from yours. The most daring thing they do all day might be to tie on a pair of green Chucks after 5, or cross to the pub without the pedestrian walk sign. And you kind of love them for that.

By kmm | Posted in New Target | Tagged | Comments (0)